The Things No one Warned Me About: Setting Boundaries
Occasionally in our adult lives, we must set some boundaries. While there are many reasons to take such action, there are a few to stick with no matter the immediate cost.
We started setting boundaries at the very beginning of our marriage. A natural boundary was our living arrangement. We were young and he was in the Army. Naturally, we had to live where they told us. This meant starting our married life on the other side of the country in Washington State. Roughly 2000 miles from our hometown, friends, and parents.
What a blessing it turned out to be.
We had the opportunity to live together without the natural interference others bring. We got to set up our apartment and our own style of living. We decided on every little detail. Those first two years were exactly what we needed to prepare us for moving home.
We already knew what we wanted. We had a child of our own. We knew how we wanted to raise him. We knew what we wanted him exposed to. We also knew from our collected experience as kids what we didn’t want for him or any other kids which may come along.
The first few months back home were hard. We rented a small house. We got pregnant again. We had jobs, sometimes two each. We paid our bills and bought our groceries. We had our own cars and our own way of doing things.
Some of the people in our lives respected us tremendously. I will never forget my dad telling us we had to carve out our own path. He and mom were a great support for the most part. They were sometimes critical of my skills as a housewife, but for the most part, let us figure things out. They let us come to them when we needed help. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was good.
Not everyone was so inspiring or supportive.
There were new strict laws about car seats. We followed them. (we couldn’t have afforded a ticket so…) We didn’t want anyone smoking around our kids. We didn’t allow them to spend the night with couples who were unmarried. They had to be at church on Sunday with us. I wanted my children to learn modesty and humility.
There was a hard lesson waiting for us. When you set boundaries, there may be some backlash. Sometimes family members who never left the decade you were born in (70s) do not understand raising kids in the current one. (90s) There were in-laws who were angry because of the smoking rule. Some people thought car seats were an unnecessary hassle. A couple of them were furious with our spending the night rules.
The funny thing was- we never said anything about candy, sugar, fast food or entertainment. We never even considered my sister in law would have the kids over for a Halloween party and show them horror flicks. Oops. We didn’t care if they ate potato chips and hot dogs every time they went to their uncles. Or ice cream for dinner with the grandparents. Or skipping a meal because they were swimming in the lake. We wanted our kids to have good experiences with those who loved us and in turn, loved them.
In setting boundaries, we managed to accidentally alienate ourselves from a few people. But If we had to do it all over again, we would. Our children are good adults. Part of it, I like to think, is because they watched their parents make decisions and stick with them. We looked out for them. We made sure they knew we were making decisions for their protection.
In hindsight, we were right.
Boundaries became important as family members made questionable decisions. By prayerfully listening to the Holy Spirit, we did the best with what knowledge we had. It worked.
I would be lying if I said we never doubted. There were times it seemed unimportant, but we determined to stick with it. I have no regrets. Sometimes the Holy Spirit whispers into our heart then our gut. As adults, we must find a way to tune in. Then we make decisions based on what we believe to be the best case scenario, regardless of the opinion of others. We must be careful to listen deeply. We also cannot be swayed by non-believers who simply do not understand. I could not justify to myself listening to people who didn’t listen to my God.
The choices we made as young parents impacted our kids very deeply. As adults, they remember those boundaries not as punishments but as protections. They have voiced their appreciation to us. We did the right thing.
I’ve really enjoyed this series, Angie. I’m a life stage behind you (my oldest is a freshman in high school). Having those who have been there, done that be open and vulnerable will help make me a better parent and help the transition when they launch.