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Sometimes the Lesson You Prepare Isn’t the Lesson At All
It took me 120 days to finish. After countless hours, disappointments and prayer, I completed the last page of the curriculum for the women’s retreat. Five sections to cover in two days, with five women presenting the information. I was excited, but not nervous. I had presented and co-hosted a women’s retreat before, with these same women. I was ready to proceed with the weekend because I knew it would be a blessing.
**Let me change course for a second. Have you ever had a moment when you got comfortable with something- maybe too comfortable? Something which worked so well before, you decided to proceed and move forward regardless of any warning signs thrown in your path? I am the poster child for ignoring the Holy Spirit. I have a habit of setting myself up long before a disappointment. I’m all too familiar with the phrase rolling around inside my head “I told you so”. (I tell myself “so” all the time.)
Ahem.
It started months before, five ladies agreed to each write a section for the retreat. Week after week there was no progress. We were running out of time. I could have bought a nice curriculum-an all-inclusive boxed set. But, I really felt compelled to write one. It felt like a blessing, being convicted of something so personal.
This blessing turned into a lesson on relationships..
Feeling disappointed, I couldn’t understand why anyone would make a commitment with no intention of following through. People who love you are naturally inclined to go along with things you are inspired about. Sometimes the fear of rejection drives a person to say yes. Too late, I realized no one wanted to present the information either. The last friend bailed at the last hour. She sat not making eye contact with me and never offered to help. She was waiting for me to fail. I presented alone.
The retreat was awful for me.
The attendees were in the dark about my anxiety. I kept hearing whispers from one table. Then it happened. The preacher’s wife interrupted me in the middle of a session to tell me it was inappropriate to quote and interpret scripture. She said before I shared this information, I needed to properly study and cite. She said I needed to be “careful”. (If she had opened the booklet in front of her, she’d have seen I had.)
The room was silent.
Somewhere, I heard my own voice say, “As a Christian, it is my responsibility to study scripture and share Jesus with others. I did all the work, it is clearly cited.” I quickly moved on.
By the grace of God, I finished the session. Afterward, I walked away, reeling from her verbal assault. I was shocked at the lack of response from others. I was stunned even my friends were quiet, not wanting to challenge her attack or rock the boat with the church ladies.It was hurtfaul and mindblowing all at once. I couldn’t beleive it.
How does a room of forty Christian women sit quietly and leave one of their own to defend her faith like that?
My brain was thinking a million things. I wanted to lash out. Thankfully, the still voice in my soul moved my mouth and something amazing came out of my heart instead. Saved by the Holy Spirit, once again.
Emotionally I was drained. I had poured myself into this weekend for months. I set up by myself, organized the arrangements and then this happened. I was a mess. I went outside in the cold while everyone had lunch. I finished the last session with a heavy heart, cutting it short. The attendees packed up and left. I held myself together long enough to clean up and head home.
I packed every single piece of my curriculum into a box and set it on fire. I burnt my guide. I threw in my notes, my notebook, and my visual aids. I set fire to the whole weekend. I retrieved the parting gift we had prepared for all the women and I threw it in. No chocolate or keychain or notebook or glitter pen for me. My music cd- burning. My t-shirt- flaming.**
Here is the real kicker. The entire retreat was based on friendship. “No Handbags and Haircuts Friendships” was the title. It stemmed from a conversation I had with one of these women about shallow relationships and wanting more. It talked about loyalty, unconditional love and seasonal friendships. Five types of friendship in five sessions.
I do not believe in coincidence. I do believe in God opening my eyes in ways I could never dream. The friendships I had were put to the test. Some failed. None of them were what they seemed. What was I to make of this?
I may be the only person who learned anything the entire weekend. Some of these lessons are good, some bad, depending on perspective. Some I needed to hear because I wasn’t listening to that still small voice.
- People are not always what they seem.- We all have privacy and secrets for various reasons. Although normal, none of them should be so negative to ruin a relationship.
- Friendship is a relative term.- Not everyone wants the same things out of a friendship. It’s ok to want different things. Communication is key.
- Women don’t all have the strength to do what’s right, and some of them are just plain mean. It happens.
- There is no one in your life you can depend on one hundred percent, except Jesus, and this includes yourself. This is a fact in every relationship.
- When you hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit, listen and act accordingly.
- In friendship, you can only be responsible for your own actions and words. You cannot control what others do, think or how they act. You can only control your response to them.
Jesus allowed me the ability to walk away from the weekend with a fresh perspective. I am very careful who I allow myself to be close to. Self- preservation is a gift not only to myself, but to my friends. I am intentional with people. I am navigating slowly and evaluating my relationships for what they really are. I have since walked away from people who always have an expectation of failure. I am removing myself from conversations which are inappropriate and awkward. I am no longer looking for acceptance- I am finding balance.
I hold myself accountable to Jesus. I weigh the options carefully when responding or reacting to people. I say what I mean, and I am backing it up with action. Jesus told his friends and followers exactly what he thought of their actions when warranted- I am working toward this level of honesty.
Friendship has never been easy for me, but I am learning.
**I kept a digital copy of my writing from the weekend. I changed it up to be four blog posts.
If you’d like to read them, here are the links.
I love this an wholehearted agree with you why can people who you think are your
friends have your back .I always tell myself its between me and Jesus He knows me
better than they do. they can believe the lies. Words are very cutting and can be worse
than a slap in the face once they are said they can never be taken back and can be
hurtful forever. If I had been at that conference I would have had your back.Shame on
that ministers wife she should have known better.Love your posts and look forward
to them women need to always support their sisters!!!