Marriage Therapy: Creating an Outdoor Space
This project took more planning than I am capable of.
It’s a good thing my husband is so awesome. We wanted to build a pergola behind our house for years. We did it this spring, and I love it. I couldn’t be happier. In addition to the structure, we added a twin sized swing. It provides a place for rest, hanging out and reflection. We also pepped up the surrounding garden space. It has been a work in progress for a long time. It’s nice to have a quiet space for relaxing and meditating.
I spend time out there writing, reflecting and resting. I also piddle around in the garden, changing things and adding new plants. I would love to encourage all of you- find yourself a space. Find a corner in the house, a garden space outdoors or the end of the dining room and make it yours.
Economically speaking, this structure was not expensive. We tried to keep it simple and functional. Where I spent money on pressure treated wood, I saved on purchasing plants on a budget. We wanted simple and unique, and we achieved it. Like other projects, we stayed within our budget.
The best part of building this is the love poured in. It was hot. The sun was blaring from the center of the sky. John was wearing a bandana around his head to keep the sweat from running into his eyes. He had to core drill concrete. He had to measure, cut and lift the beams. He built this with my assistance, but I was minimally physically involved.
When he finished all I could do was smile. It is awesome, and I love it. But mostly, I love him. Twenty-five years of projects have taught me a few things.
- Projects built in love last longer and mean more.
- Projects built together are amazing marriage therapy.
- Sometimes projects are built for one of us from the other.
- The gift of these projects is sweet and precious.
- Measure twice, cut once, mess it up, have your husband re-measure.
I hope by sharing these projects you will be inspired to do something together. Being intentional makes the journey sweeter. It is worth every minute and every penny.
XOXO
Marriage: In The Beginning
Genesis 2:18, God decided man was no good alone, so He created woman.
The God of the universe chose to create a helper for His prize creation- man. Eve could’ve been created out of dust as Adam had been. It may have been simpler for God to do what He had already done. However, God chose to take a part of Adam to create Eve-also creating an inseparable and inarguable bond between them.
The symbolic nature of his well-thought creation brings new viable meaning to the “becoming one flesh” in marriage. It creates a biblical basis for a man and a woman uniting both physically and spiritually, creating oneness only marriage can provide. Eve’s life was created from Adam’s body. He gave her a new life from his own, just as a new husband does for his bride on their wedding day.
Adam was given Eve to be his helper- his lifelong mate. God intended it to be forever.
FOREVER.
Wondering & Wandering
Sometimes when I make decisions I ask myself a simple question. If my dad were here right now, would his shoulders shake with laughter approving my decision, or would I get his “disclaimer look?” I like to think he laughed approvingly at most. I know he laughed at a lot of things I did- mostly because my life was one big adventure added to his.
It is weird having him absent. I can’t really think of another word to describe it more fully. So strange to miss someone who was here one day and not the next.
While I know he is gone, I cannot reconcile it in my head. I cannot get the reality of “forever” to stick. Maybe because it is not forever?! We will meet again, transformed into something new. I have hope in the faith he taught me about. It’s deeper than the other things we mulled over.
Talking was not our strong point while his body was dying.
We rarely had conversations. I went on the assumption he was tired of the talking because he wanted to be living. It can’t be easy to face your own mortality. I am not sure what he thought. If I had it to do again- and I pray I never do-I will ask. I will move heaven and earth to be with my loved one in the weeks leading to their last breath.
I would encourage you to say all the things in and on your heart because they are important to one of you if God has placed them there.
I wonder (and occasionally worry) about some of these things. Did my dad know- I mean really truly know I loved him? Can he see me now with all these regrets? Does he know I still- almost 3 years later- try to pick up the phone to call him some days? (I switched his contact over when I got my new phone.) Does he see me pause at his picture and tribute flag at work? Does he have regrets- something he needed to say to me? Are there things we didn’t take care of because time was short and people were numerous? Does he know how much we miss him?
I wonder how that conversation with Jesus goes. I wonder if my dad is telling Jesus how to do his job because I am messing this up. I could see him saying, “Um, Lord? Could you just give her a nudge?” I could see him being full of humility at his feet, then giggling at some of the things I do, wanting to rescue me from there as he did from here. Mostly, I picture them as friends.
John and I talked about how much dad wanted to sing in church. I became super emotional because I realized how proud of John he would be if he were here now. If he can see us, I am confident he is bursting at the seams.
We have grown in the Holy Spirit so much. We are serving in our church again. We are leading our lives and making changes based on biblical principle and what God wants for us, at the direction of the Holy Spirit. We are drawing boundaries with people to protect ourselves during this time of learning and wisdom growing. One day I am hoping I will be able to share all I have learned with my children as my dad did with me. One day I hope they realize and respond.
I wonder what he thinks of how I am handling being the parent of adult kids. I don’t know. They are self-sufficient and lawful and basically good human beings. I would like for them to know Jesus better, and it is my prayer they come to him soon. I realize those are the things my dad wanted for us. I have to wait because God’s timing is not our own. He must have been super frustrated with me because I feel like I took forever.
I’ve come to realize my best lesson in this grief journey is to lean on Jesus and let him handle it.
I must allow him to walk me through all this wondering and wandering. His timing has no pattern, and sometimes it feels like there is no rhyme or reason. But he is God, and I am not. He is my rock, and thankfully so.
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
XOXO
A View of Lateral Grief
**This is a re-post. Its been 3 years.
This morning I was driving to work reflecting on the past two years. Weird it’s been two years. It seems like five minutes some days; others an eternity. When in the pit of grief the only way to go isn’t up- sometimes it is sideways. Moving laterally is common. It feels like a mundane routine, swiftly or slowly moving but getting nowhere. Before you know it days, weeks, even months have passed and you are feeling no closer to recovering than the very first day.
So how do we move from lateral movement and healing to something a bit more vertical?
What works for some of us may not work for everyone. We have different personalities. Our loss is unique to us as individuals. We have different obligations and other life-things we must work around while in this process. When we are ready, maybe we can make a list.
If you have read my blog for any amount of time you may already know I love the value of a well made (or not so well made) list. It gives me purpose and a goal when I am most distracted. I have a master list in my planner then multiple lists for the days and weeks to come. My budget is in the form of a list. My daily chores are sometimes in list form so I don’t get caught up on a project I discover along the way.
By creating a list unique to my needs, I have been effectively changing my lateral healing into one of a vertical sense. It was almost like a sudden creative thought, to work on my grief from a list. I felt a little embarrassed because in normal circumstances I would have made a list right away. Grief is tricky this way. Normal things become relative I have learned.
The way I structured my list was simple- I put the most important things first. My health was at the top and included both mental and physical attributes. Emotionally, I know I struggle. I wrote down solutions I know work for me and made sure I had the opportunity to view this page every day. I understand myself enough to know what will work and what will not. I lean heavy on my instincts while referring to my list to keep myself on track. I also have an accountability person.
My husband is my natural choice for accountability. He lives in my house. He is the person I see the most. He is not afraid to tell me when my attitude stinks or my hair is a mess or my outfit is unacceptable. His ability to be honest and genuinely wanting what’s best for me makes him the obvious choice.
I must have an accountability person who won’t tell me what I want to hear, but what I must hear to move forward.
Some days on my journey I add things I hadn’t thought of before. Just like most things in life, I have no control over how fast or slow I proceed. There are a lot of factors and I work more at rolling with the punches than anything else. I have some semblance of a plan for how I respond when things get tough. I have the notion to pause when caught off guard. I have scripture to support me when I feel lonely or frustrated.
Some things I have learned.
Grief is a process we cannot fit in a box. It cannot be “solved” with a twelve step program because the steps are endless. I cannot offer my list for someone else because our journeys are not the same. But I can offer hope, encouragement and come alongside others when they are in the midst of their journey.
If you are grieving please know I am sorry, and I do love you. Your journey matters because it is yours. You don’t have to embrace it like an old friend. You aren’t doing this wrong, you are simply doing it. There are resources available for those who are grieving, but mostly having someone to commiserate with is a big deal. If you haven’t found that person, you have found me. I will sit in the gutter with you as long as you like. I will listen to your story and hold your hand, even if only virtually.
I understand that I don’t have to understand to be helpful.
I simply need to listen and love you.
XOXO
Revisiting the Five Simple Words
When my dad passed away, I was prepared for some things. His death was a gift in the end because he suffered so. I knew the moment Jesus took his hand. It was exhilarating. As a Christian, there were certain things I was equipped for in the days and weeks to follow. The newness of his absence was the one thing (and still is) that I cannot get my head around. The other thing?
The things people say because let’s face it, what do you say?
Grief 101: A Recap
This is how grief works.
It comes in a multitude of ways, twisting and turning like a road in the mountains you have never been on. It winds up and down, from side to side. Sometimes it is vertical. Other times lateral with little to no progress. On occasion, it simply stands still like a washing machine stuck on the spin cycle.
The only way to come out the other side is to walk through. There are no short cuts, there are no quick solutions. Grief is unlike any other experience in your life. It requires work and rest, the gnashing of teeth and the quiet of meditation. There is no road that leads back to how things were before because things will never be the same again.
Grief looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to proceed. Only the best way you know how. And when you forget to move forward it’s ok because tomorrow is another day. When you have a moment where it strikes you hard and emotions are reeling, it’s alright to go with it. Tears, anger, and sorrow are just as much a part of grief as memories, laughter and relishing in past experiences.
Joy can be found in the midst of grieving. It is possible to open up an entirely new world of discovery which is good for you, by allowing your own grief cycle to continue working. You don’t have to get stuck. You don’t have to wait until “it gets better”. You can move forward and still live while grieving.
There are a lot of things to consider but they are all different for each of us. Maybe quiet time or significant noise is part of your life. How you handle each day will be up to you. There are resources for healing and the information is endless.
When grieving you may feel depressed or down. This is normal, too. There are dark places our grief can carry us- asking for help to handle them is important. Knowing you are not alone is important too. Grief counselors can make suggestions or simply listen to you vent. Finding a friend who has been through this process can be extremely helpful. There is no comparing, only commiserating which is sometimes exactly what you need. For someone to understand the sheer depth of your grief is astonishing therapy.
Relationships may not look the same during this time. It is ok to take some time for yourself. There is a certain threshold for people when in the pit of grief. Not everyone’s threshold is the same. Like everything else, your perspective is different. Your outlook on the importance of solid foundational relationships may change. Understanding your fresh expectations of others is a new chapter.
The things you discover about yourself may surprise you. You may want to live a fuller, more intentional life. Or maybe you simply want to sit on the porch swing and slow down a bit. Either way, the choice is always going to be yours. There isn’t anyone who can change your reasons for grieving. But there are those who are willing to go along for the ride and hold you up when you need to be held. Your need and willingness to reach out will depend on you.
XOXO
Celebrating Silent Saturday
Last night I heard Max Lucado speak on the Silent Saturday.
It was very profound to hear him speak with such clarity. Often times during the Easter season, we talk about Friday as the most horrible day and Sunday as the best day. We don’t really discuss Saturday. I have thought about it for years.
Saturday is the Sabbath.
When Mary, mother of Jesus and the others asked for his body on Friday, it had to be taken care of at a quick pace. Everything was not finished because they needed to prepare for the Sabbath as well, and no one could anoint, prepare or touch the body until Sunday, once the sun set.
All day Saturday they had to wait. Actually, from sundown Friday until sundown Saturday. I cannot imagine the things going through the minds of each of Jesus’ followers, disciples or his mother. All while recognizing there was nothing they could do because of the day of rest.
Pause for a moment.
In all of Gods perfect creation, plan and more, it has escaped me my entire life how important the Sabbath falling the very next day after Jesus was crucified is. This was the day everything on earth stood still and quiet. There was no crowd. There were no soldiers. There was no chanting, no court being held, no movement in the streets.
Just silence while in the pit of hell there was a growing uproar. Jesus didn’t have to worry about the people on earth he left behind. He knew they would stay at home, in place to recognize the Sabbath. He knew they were safe for this one day. He knew they wouldn’t come to the tomb. He knew he could focus on his next task.
He fought all of hell while the rest of the world he knew and loved was silent and celebrating the Sabbath. He was fighting for all of humanity while they all rested and followed the law. He battled tirelessly while they quietly mourned the loss they had endured.
Then came Sunday.
The tomb was empty, the soldiers stunned. The women were confused and angry at the thought of someone potentially stealing his body. There was great concern rippling through everyone involved in any level in his death. No one had an answer.
Until he appeared and allowed those faithful to see him, in the flesh. He was not an apparition. He was Jesus, whole again! His scars were proof of his identity. His calm demeanor and the way he spoke to them as if he was one of them and not a stranger.
I will forever consider Saturday between the crucifixion and Easter as the best quiet day ever. I will forever see the unlimited eternal possibilities granted to me on this day. Because without this day, Easter doesn’t come. Without this day, eternity is not won. Without this day, there is no hope in anything I have been taught.
This is the day hell was defeated forever and will forever be marked as the day Jesus conquered it all. This is the day all of His work culminated to. This is the day that assures me. This day is part of the ultimate gift of salvation.
Silent Saturday.
XOXO
Blood, Sweat, and Tears Mingled
In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed so hard he bled.
Jesus prayed so hard his blood mingled with his sweat. This scene pains my soul. I’ve had days of wallowing and lamenting in fervent prayer, sure my soul was tearing in two. Yet I’ve never bled through my sweat when praying.
There is a Holy moment here and a foretelling of what was to come.
Jesus submitting to the will of His Father, our one true God. Crying out to take the task from him, yet understanding this was the only path. Knowing the melding of blood, sweat, and tears was a minute example of his future.
He understood the magnitude of the task ahead. He knew he could only bear it within the shelter of his Father’s arms. He prayed earnestly and at length. He wept. He cried out. He poured sweat. He bled. He turned into the Father.
I’m not sure we fully comprehend the concept of praying hard enough to bleed. Through trials and tribulations, we don’t bleed when we cry out. I would venture we barely break a sweat when we pray. We mourn, fixate on the problem, hand it over to God, (sometimes pull it back) and move forward with whatever is next.
There have been occasions I have stayed in a constant prayerful mode for days. I spent each moment intentionally speaking to or pleading with God. I did this a lot when my grief was fresh and my soul was feeling bruised. I walked around in anguish, looking as if I was lost in thought. I talked to myself and sometimes answered. It seemed pointless to some, that I should go into prayer this way. But for me, it was solace. I needed to know I was close and being held by the Father. I needed to know I hadn’t been abandoned. The best way to do this was through my conversations with God- through prayer.
I never bled on the outside, but I felt like I could. I didn’t allow many people inside my head or heart at that time, so understanding was difficult for some. With the burden of grief and taking care of others, I thought I might break. In comparison, I cannot imagine what Jesus felt when he knelt alone in the garden for what he knew to be the last time.
He chose to be alone with the Father. He chose his lamenting spot. He chose to spend his most fervent praying moment in a place where creation began. He spent the beginning of the end of his current humanity pleading his case. He also spent it submitting to the will and plan of God. He knew what it would mean to you and me. He understood the cost did not outweigh the gain.
I am sure he was as spent as he had ever been, up to this point. He said in Matthew “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” He prayed with his face on the ground. An Angel appeared in his time of need to give him strength. He was described as being in anguish. When he rose from his meditation, I am sure he was trembling.
I have always thought my prayer life needed improvement. While sweating during prayer has rarely been my experience, bleeding through my sweat is incomprehensible. If Jesus prayed hard enough to the Father that he bled in his anguish, then I must see prayer as the most important communication I could ever have with anyone. I have learned through this part of scripture something I wasn’t expecting.
The urgency of praying to the Father. It is realistic to turn to him for everything. It is expected during good times and bad. It is needed. Communicating with him is everything.
XOXO,
Gethsemane
Matthew 26:36-46
36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”42 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”43 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. 44 So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.45 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. 46 Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
Spring Sunrise Promises
That moment right before the sun comes up- that is my favorite moment of the day.
It signals dawn- a new beginning. The birds sing wildly and the trees sway in the breeze hypnotizing me. The air is buzzing with life. Steam rises from my hot coffee in a swirl, adding to the ambiance of the morning.
I love first thing in the morning on my patio swing.
I love spending time at home, enjoying all the things we have worked so hard to build. I love the process of the garden from late winter to early spring when things start to awaken. New life bubbles up inside me as I await the day I can really get my hands in the dirt. I love the newness of life as ferns unroll and leaves unfurl. The ladybugs make their appearance sunbathing and the crickets start warming up for summer.
All of creation sings for sunrise and sunset.
All is as it should be. In the grand scheme of things, creation answers all the questions each day brings. Watching the insects, birds, and animals awaken and reveal themselves is fascinating. They each serve their own purpose. They have instinctually started fulfilling their roles. They let little sidetrack them and they work to overcome obstacles.
Everything God has laid upon them, they aspire to be. Everything the Creator asks of them, they attempt to fulfill without argument or rebuttal. Every one of them is counted and has a divine appointment to be a part of the earth.
They live to serve only Him. What an example for humans. Commitment. Obedience. Work ethic.
Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)
23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
This is such a powerful lesson for me. I strive to have the kind of intensity creation has. I want to be focused to see all things through the lens of Jesus. I want my spirit and my mind in tune with one another.
Focusing on prayer is the first and best step. I am starting each day fresh and remember who I serve. Asking the Holy Spirit to lead my words and actions is crucial. Listening to the still, small voice is part of it. Making a consistent effort to be intentional is also important. I am an expert procrastinator. I must stay on top of things to be successful.
The next step is to carry scripture with me. I have keychains, post its, t-shirts and phone screens. The Bible app on my phone is on the home screen. I gently and subtly remind myself of what I stand for.
Finally, at the end of the day, I reflect. Did I represent well? Was I intentional in my words and actions? If not, why? What can I do differently tomorrow? I pray over the struggles and successes. I thank God for another opportunity to serve the best way I know-how.
It is a privilege to serve. It is a blessing to have a redeemer who gives opportunities to get it right.
XOXO
Why Read Chronologically?
Last year, I read the Bible in its entirety in chronological order.
When I started this journey, my goal was two-fold. I wanted to read the bible in its entirety in chronological order. I also wanted to journal in my fancy journaling bible my husband gifted me at Christmas.
After diving in, I had a few realizations along the way. This became more than just “getting through it.” I began a spiritual journey which allowed me to see clearly many things I had missed.
If you grew up in the church, you probably have heard the highlights. David was a boy warrior. Goliath was a giant. Noah built an ark. Eve ate the forbidden fruit. David ended up being the king. Jonah spent some time inside a whale. Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, leaving Lot’s wife as a pillar of salt. So many treasured childhood stories. Yet, I had new lessons in each one.
The one thing which has impacted me the most has been the lesson in obedience. Man are we awful at this. God says “hey humans, do this”, and we respond with disobedience in some form. We are not meant to be perfect, but we are meant to be obedient to our Creator. He found a way to solve the obedience problem by offering eternal forgiveness through Jesus. It doesn’t mean we do it better, it means he has given us an opportunity to make it right.
If you would like to read through the entire Bible, I am going to post the schedule I used here. I looked at several, and this one was broken down into manageable chunks. I followed the guide in order, but I did not take a year to read it. I am an avid reader, and when a book is this good, I continue on.
It has no study guide, which I loved because I was able to use my imagination and intellect to learn by reading it myself, instead of having someone else teach me. It’s nice to have teachers in the word, it’s amazing to figure some things out on your own. By allowing the words to speak their own truth, I am more educated than I started out.
Why chronologically?
I sometimes wonder about certain things when I read them, and I have my study bible to thank for that. With its endless notes and references, I am able to quickly find answers to burning questions. I realized most of my questions had to do with timelines and sequences of events. Reading it in some semblance of time-order made sense to me. (and I hadn’t done it before, so why not?) I also believe context is everything.
If you would like to start, I would love to hear your feedback.
What is something you learned which is new? What is something which surprises you? Is there a story you only knew the half of? Are you journaling in some way as you read?
I simply printed the list and got started.
XOXO
https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-reading-plan/chronological.html
