Letter to Friends of the Grieving
Letter to Friends of the Grieving.
Dear Friends,
How are you today? I am holding my own. This morning I woke up and showered. I managed to fill my day with a to-do list which keeps me busy. I’m hoping for a quiet day. Most of you don’t know what to say to me, so you say nothing at all. Sometimes I simply need your company. The quiet has been good for me, the loneliness not so much. May I be honest? I feel abandoned at a crucial time in my life. I’ve had a couple of rough years, dealing with my grief. I’ve somehow continued to live and work and love. I have learned to laugh again, which is really something.
I know some of you were waiting for me to get back to normal. I’m sorry to report that normal looks different now. It looks like an empty seat at family dinners. It’s missing not only my father but my mentor and friend. It’s not having a picture of him holding our newest grandbaby, not introducing her to him, not seeing him marvel at her growth.
His absence has been something to contend with. Mom has a home to care for, and her own needs which dad always took care of. Now the rest of us are picking up for his missing contribution, and it is hard. It is impossible to get everything done. It is exhausting since there are so many things to do at our own homes, adding her stuff to it. Honestly, we haven’t been that diligent because we have been shaken to the core for the past two years.
Then there are evenings and weekends. They used to be full of laughter, love, and friends. We used to have things we went to do with other people. We would get text messages and emails, phone calls and coffee dates. We didn’t choose these things to end- they just somehow did.
Some days the quiet is awesome! I’ve discovered I’m mostly an introvert. This explains a lot of things but doesn’t mean I like being lonely. This is the hard part- the loneliness. When I need to reach out, I realize there isn’t anyone. When I think I should have coffee with someone, there’s no one to call. The idea of being so alone is striking to me. It seems as if the moment I stopped trying, everything came to a halt. I didn’t have the capacity to make an effort, so everyone vanished from sight.
I know most of you don’t understand how hard this has been. You haven’t suffered this loss. Aside from the grief, there are other components too. Spiritual growth. Adult kids. Grandchildren. Widowed mom. Our aching hearts. Jobs. Church. Life, in general, has taken a disappointing turn. It is hard to do this alone. Consider the possibility that we are in a continued state of being overwhelmed.
I don’t share these things to make you feel bad. I don’t even share them for sympathy. I want understanding. I’ve been told I abandoned some of you. I want you to know, I abandoned myself and I am sorry you were a casualty. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t felt right.
I hope to one day be able to hold you up when you are in this situation. If not me, I pray you have other people who stick around. I mostly want you to now that Jesus never leaves us, especially in our time of deep grief. He wants me to be the salt and light and I hope during that time I have the opportunity to serve you well.
Xoxo friends.
Thank you very much Angie! I’ve missed reading your words. As you may know I lost my sister 6 6 and momma 9 9 both this year. It’s been so hard I totally understand your loss.
Have a good new year!