As I sit here pondering on what to write, I realize that in chirch this morning I had all kids of ideas…….then I remembered. I want to make sure my blog reaches people from all walks of life- as sort of a testament that you are not alone in this world. Take Friday for instance- it was my 35th birthday, and I sat at my desk feeling helpless and cried all day. When I say I cried, let me back up- I am a crier- and I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it. I cry when Im sad, when Im happy when I need a release. I cry when Im laughing and when Im sleeping- (true lol) The crazy thing is, sometimes I cry and I dont even know im doing it! Im an emotional BASKET-CASE!!!!! But, that is how God made me, and the problem is Im not sure what I am supposed to do with it! Sometimes I feel like a big baby, and sometimes I feel like I connect with someone through my tears. I know there are people who see me as “unbreakable” and ” broad shouldered” Im strong when I have to be, but I am not either of these things. I have feelings, I am human, and I think I have put on this front for so long that I can handle anything, that I am learning a tough lesson now- Im a crybaby. Thats all there is to it. I have literally cried everyday for an entire month. I am flustered about little things, and Im looking for my place in a world I forgot existed. In looking for myself, I found my tears. I know it sounds crazy, but I do not want anyone to misinterpret what I am trying to say. CRY AWAY! I believe my tears are an outlet for some pretty strong emotions that are God-breathed in me. Love, for example. Patience and virtue. Very tiring to try to be everything all the time. But here I sit, and when I am full of emotion, ready to boil over, I trickle sweet salty water right down my face and off my cheek. My husband loves it….sometimes he doesnt even have to look at me. And my kids are now asking is this a good cry or a sad cry? My eyes hurt. But I know someday God will reveal to me the purpose of so many tears. So I continue to wait in expectation. And I guess you could say, upgrade to weeping.
Updated on August 2, 2015
anyone not living under a rock has heard the term “ripple effect”. you have probably heard it today….so here is my ripple effect. I have always considered myself to be a person with broad shoulders and a strong will. I believe what I believe and there arent many positions I stand upon which I can be persuaded differently. My husband quit trying – before we were even married- my parents know Im strong willed, and my brother just likes to get me fired up. But what happens when I change my opinion of something I have stood solid on for most of my life? The ripple effect can have consequences far beyond measure. I changed my mind sometime recently about how I choose to spend my time and who I spend it with. It has been an evolutioary process at best- not over night as most of my rash emotional decisions are. I quit calling the people who dont call. I quit going to lunch with people who dont have a positive or nice thing to say. I quit worrying about what others think or say about me. I just prayed and decided God can deal with them- why should I? He is going to anyway, so me trying to handle all these things was kinda redundant. The ripple this time was mostly good- not jsut for me but for my husband , my children and my remaining friends. I do not need drama in my life to sustain me. I do not need my phone lines and email accounts jammed with obscenities about other people. I put a stop to it all. and Im feeling free as a bird! With every positive reaction, there prolly has to be a negative one, right? Well, I did lose a family member in this whole process, actually more than 1. And that is very hard for me to work through. But I also feel like in time that too will be resolved and I have to let that go for now. God will take care of this in his time, nto on my clock, and I know that to be true. And my children have watched their mother “clean house” once again, in a very important lesson. Im hoping this ripple effect keeps going.. that somehow my actions will “pay it forward” in the lives of others who notice and are really paying attention. As for the scoffers out there… sorry if I hurt your feelings but, Im just not coming around anymore!
So I was thinking about some of the things I read about people who are my “friends” on my FB, and I decided it was time to “sort” my relationships. My friend Mary asked me what exactly that meant. I shared with her, and anyone else who can read, that its kinda like cleaning out your closet- you kinda weed out the things that don’t fit anymore. I know through the vast amounts of reading Im doing these days, and the resources I have been using ( like Proverbs 31 website) that sometimes you have to “clean out the relationship closet” to really make a change for yourself! Every metamorphisis is unique, and can be beneficial. I have been taking baby steps this year- actually for months now. Im tired of wondering about some peoples intentions, and I am weary with worry over some of the things that people I care about are into! When I am trying to get myself together, its holding me back to the destination I need to arrive at, and quite frankly its a little scary to think I can’t change who I am because of who I have around me all the time! I actually had an afterthought one evening after we were out with some friends- that I didnt want anyone to think I was like them! I felt horribly guilty at first, then I realized it was my CONSCIOUS attacking my heart, not guilt for thinking that way. I am trying to teach my teen and preteen kids how to be their own person, and still have healthy relationships, so that too is a reason to re evaluate. I figure, if it sucks the life out of me, its prolly not worth the energy I am spending. And if I need to “take a hiatus” for a bit, then if the person is truly my friend they will totally understand what “me time” is all about. I am finished with putting on a good face even if it kills me. Its hard to make these choices, but no one said life was gonna be easy. God only promises a safe landing- not a calm passage.
I am really excited about sharing some of the things that have been happening. First let me start by saying that when God closes a door, He REALLY DOES open a window. Sometimes its a small window, but its still a window. I have had the priveledge of being humbled not once, but twice in the last 2 weeks, and I can tell you- its not so bad. Sure, somtimes in the process of humility there is some hurt, confusion anger or resentment. But, all in all, its ok. I guess it depends on where your priorities are at the time. Mine, for example, do not lie with other people or their constant meddling. My priorities are within the walls of my own home- my FORTRESS, if you will. This is my castle, and I want to be in it. So here I am, taking a well deserved break from the work I have been doing all day, when the thought struck me. Re-evaluating your life is not only necessary, it is biblical! There are countless “characters” in the bible who had to do this- whether at their own guidance, or that of divine intervention- take Joseph for example. He was destined to be a ruler in Egypt. He ended up being a God driven savior of his people- a leader thrown into the position of leadership not of his own device. He was pretty much minding his own business, when- HI JOESEPH, ITs ME GOD! WOW what a surprise.! I still think that is one of my favorite bible stories. To have a whole other life placed before you, one full of trial and frustration. Very impressive that Joseph had the courage and the understanding to lean on God for all of his strength! Of course some would say- that is an old story from another time- it doesnt apply to anything in the modern day. But I think it applies to me. Facing adversity is something we are all learning about, and very quickly. Panic stricken governments and the harsh reaction of the media are two things that add to the pandemonium of the moment! Of course this applies to now! It applies to me, and to everyone I know! Having faith that everything is going to be good in the end is up to all of us, and we should be praying for those who do not have faith anymore, those who cannot see the open windows. One of these days we will walk on streets of gold. And Im thinking to myself that streets of dirt are ok, as long as I have the promise of eternity, and as long as I can have the faith to move mountains.
Today could be the first day of the rest of your life….of course, that is more true that most of us care to admit. I have had a few of “those” days recently, and let me tell you, knowing this little bit of truth has helped me get through it all. My child has a very bad break in his arm, and I have been home with him for an entire week…getting domestic doesn’t come so easy when your life has been so busy for so long that you have forgotten how! I hadn’t realized how much “stuff” my husband and kids have to do, that I should be taking care of! Don’t get me wrong- I know the kids have to learn responsibility , basic chores, and discipline. They are practically able to take care of most things without my help- which is a topoic for a whole other day! ANyway- being off for a week has given me perspective I desperately needed- and although I am a little afraid- (terrified) I am also grateful for God’s presence in my time of lonesomeness and heartache. I have a terrific husband, and 4 fab kids- but I need God more than anyone else- I have a lot of changes I am going through, and they are all things I need to have God decide. My work situation has changed, and although it didnt have to, I have chosen to take the chance and work from a home office- crammed in my dining room. I am praying this works for me, because in my line of work it is a huge jump of faith. I guess when I go I go big- no leaping, just jumpping…LOL There are some who will never understand my choice, but I needed to do this for me and I am good with it.
I am hoping this gives me the chance to re-discover who I am and what my purpose here is…..I want to be the person God was leading me to be years ago when I started this adventure. I know JOhn is under some pressure because I have had such a roller-coaster ride for the last few weeks, but Im hoping to reclaim part of myself that will help him becom e who he wants to be as well….. I guess time will tell, and I in the meantime will pray. And of course you are all welcome to pray for me as well….I will appreciate it so much!