Hello Again
I haven’t been here for a while.
It’s good to be back.
There are a lot of things flying through my head during this weird time of pandemic and politics and grad school. Not to mention a full-time job, full-time spouse, and full-time mom of adult children. I literally have something to talk about for everyone. So many things.
Let’s start with a re-introduction. If you read the “about me” section on this website you will find some basic information. I probably need to re-write that because there are so many things I have discovered about myself.
Like the fact that I do not like the profile picture at all. Many, many people have told me to get professional headshots done for my website, internet presence, and book. I do not make any money off of this site. I do not have affiliate links, sponsorships, or codes for you to save when I send you somewhere. I simply have words and pictures highlighting what I think, things I do, and the way I am convicted to feel.
I am actually considering a very, unprofessionally done selfie that actually reflects myself. I have never been known for sticking with convention. Jesus didn’t, so why should I? There are rules, (God-breathed and Jesus spoken), then there are rules, the kind well-meaning people impose on you so they feel better about?? Maybe themselves, maybe your website, maybe they feel you are a reflection of their influence? I don’t know.
What I do know is- this is my space. It’s my website, I pay for it out of my own pocket and I love it.
I want it to become something that is helpful, reflective, and shares a bit about how I have become who I am, and where I am heading next. I want to be able to talk to you in my own voice, not the edited versions you get in so many places. I want it to mean something, become a place you come back to over and over again because it resonates with you.
Looking forward to the future of all that is.
XOXO,
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 5:10
Fighting Anxiety & People
The week was weird.
I mean, I was feeling overpeopled. And those people who sent me to this place did not respect the boundary I had set and were not hearing my words when I spoke.
Ever meet people like this? It’s hard.
This week I had a person who does not know me on any level crossing my boundary. She came into my personal space with rapid-fire questions, and it was hard.
She asked me “Are you ok?’, “What can I do?”, “Is there anything you need?” and “Can I get a hi-five?”.
In rapid-fire, with no spaces in between and in a very overwhelming, leaning over my desk sort of way.
I was already anxious.
I was already borderline panic attack. I was already exhausted fighting my emotions and my inner critic. I was not prepared to deal with an overbearing person who asked me many questions and didn’t wait for any answers. I was not prepared for someone to unlock my door and walk in without checking to see if it was ok.
This happened three times with the same person in the span of twenty-four hours, at work.
At first, I said my usual “I am fine, It’s personal. I am not talking about it. I need my space.”
These are the exact things I have taught my students to say when they are overwhelmed by someone in a situation which makes them feel anxious. It didn’t work with this person, because two more times she came back to me, overwhelming me and making my personal space seem small and insignificant.
The second time I avoided her. She didn’t listen the first time, so why bother? It didn’t work.
They say third times a charm. It wasn’t. It was awkward and somehow, even though I am not wrong to advocate for my own personal space, I felt like I did something wrong.
She hit me with the barrage of questions again. She then stated, “I see you are stuffing your feelings, and then people explode so I just…”
I didn’t allow her to finish.
She had crossed the last line the last time.
I looked her straight in the eye and I said, “My situation is personal. I have told you multiple times to stop asking me about it. I do not need you to analyze me. I do not want you to ask me anymore. I do not want to talk to you about this. I don’t know you. This conversation is over.”
Then I retreated to the womens’ bathroom to cry because I felt so mean.
I hate confrontation. But I hate being made to feel like I am doing something wrong because I have anxiety and sometimes it is a struggle to function. I also really dislike when someone thinks they can ”fix” me. It is not a healthy way to start a relationship with someone, whether personal or professional.
You must have a certain level of trust in your workspace. You also must have a certain amount of respect for the people you work with. It’s hard to do that when someone is consistently overstepping.
The positive side of this experience?
I realized I have a great team of people who support me. I have a few who recognize the anxiety and struggle in me far before I do most days. They check-in, but they don’t push. They say, “I am right here.” And they mean it. They hear my words and give me space when I need it. They tap me out when I need to be, and they stand by to support me when I need that too.
If you are on the struggle bus or need support with anxiety, don’t hesitate to ask.
If you need to have a script for those days when you are overwhelmed, write one.
If you need to walk away from someone, walk away.
If you need to shut a conversation down, shut it down.
Self-preservation is not selfish. Self-care is not selfish. Self-advocacy is not selfish.
It’s your life we are talking about. You need to be able to live it.
XOXO,
Dangers of Comparison
You cannot compare your grief to anyone else. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to them.
This process can be overwhelming. It takes a lot of self-restraint to keep yourself from saying things when you see others grieving in a different way than you. It also can make you doubt if you are doing it right.
I have three ways to redirect your thinking when you begin to compare your style of grieving with someone else.
The first way to redirect is to stop for a moment of self-reflection. When we grieve we may not follow our norms. Our emotions are heightened. Our responses to people may be more like reactions. We are rarely reflective in a positive manner. Teaching ourselves to pause for a moment before anything else is crucial to redirecting our mind from comparing to consoling.
The second way to redirect is to recognize boundaries we may need for a short period of time. In order to cycle through some of the grieving, we must do personally, we may need short-term boundaries until we are ready to publicly grieve.
The third way to redirect is to learn the word “NO” has power and gives us room to breathe. By cutting back on our obligations, we create white space on our calendar. It is a welcome feeling to have no obligations on some of our hardest days. Staying busy is not actually a cure for the grieving. It can overwhelm and consume us if we overbook our time and put off dealing with our feelings.
These are three strategies I have used successfully when dealing with comparing my grief with others. It may work for you, or you may have to find something more appropriate for you.
One thing I know for sure- comparing myself to others is never a good idea because we are all created to be unique. God does not cookie-cutter people. We have our own unique gifts, traits, and personalities. We have an opportunity to thrive even in our grief because of our uniqueness.
In order to have truth and joy in our lives, we must not allow comparison to rule our thoughts.
1 Corinthians 4:7
When we compare ourselves to others, we are agreeing to the plans of the enemy for our lives. Comparison is the thief of Joy and the stretcher of Truth.
XOXO,
Healing
When we are faced with mortality, sometimes we don’t look at the big picture.
God has a plan, first and foremost.
Death is a part of life.
Death does not have to be eternal.
If you are a believer and you understand this, then you have already won. But what if you are a new believer? Or not a believer at all? What if you run into or spend time with someone who doesn’t believe the same way as you?
How do we heal when other people aren’t on the same page or in the same place as us?
It is not simple, and just like everything else, its different for each of us. I went through various cycles of healing. At first, I needed to be around my family. Then I needed to be alone. Then I needed a friend who would just be quiet- not offer advice or even condolences- just sit with me while I wrestled with all my emotion and sorted out my grief.
After this I re-cycled. The next time I wanted nothing to do with family at all. I simply couldn’t support them the way I thought I should. I also wasn’t getting what I needed from being around them. It was not a healthy way to heal. I also realized people were tired of waiting for me to get back to whatever normal expectation they had of me.
Some thought that because I returned to work, my other normal things would fall into place. In reality, I was only returning to work out of obligation to my dad. There was a level of healing I found when I was there that I cannot explain.
There were a few expectations of me coming from people who had never experienced this type of loss before. I was really struggling, thinking I had to explain myself. The truth was, they would eventually find out what I was going through and I became acutely aware of how hard it was going to be on them.
I encountered many people who, though they claim to be faithful, never told me or reassured me that God has a plan.
There was not a lot of mention of his goodness, kindness and faithfulness to me in my grief.
Did you know God is good, faithful, and kind?
He is not only wrathful and just- he is loving and empathetic when we hurt. He wants us to be healed from life’s battles.
So to look at the big picture, we have to consider all the things we need, the people around us, our other life circumstances and our ability to cope. We must also consider God’s love is an infinite depth, and we can turn to him at any point and ask for help with our broken heart.
We can heal in our own time, in our own way. All we need to do is trust God has a plan for us.
XOXO,
Fear and Overwhelming Emotion
When my dad first found out he was sick, I didn’t have an emotional response right away. There were a lot of “wait and see” doctor appointments. There was a lot of waiting for test results and treatment plans. In hindsight, I think I knew the fear and overwhelming emotion was coming- I simply didn’t know when and I didn’t have a plan for handling it.
I remember very clearly the first time I became overwhelmed, then afraid, then almost panicked. I was thinking about all the things he would miss, depending on when he died. This was after Thanksgiving dinner 2016. I had been sitting on the couch watching something on tv and it just hit me. Dad won’t see another Thanksgiving.
It had crossed my mind sitting at the dinner table surrounded by my parents and family, but I had pushed the thought away. It was unwelcome. It came back when I was alone. It was reality and I wanted nothing to do with it. But once it entered my mind, there was nowhere for it go. It stuck and from that day on every time the phone rang I dreaded answering it.
This was the beginning of my fear, and the overwhelming emotional rollercoaster followed close behind.
Once dad had passed on and we were figuring out how to live without him, I had a rather large emotional panic attack. I had no idea who was going to cook our traditional pancakes for our family camping trip. Literally no one else had ever done this before. It was dads job, no discussion.
I went into the freak-out mode in the grocery store. I pulled myself together and bought the remainder of my list. Once I headed home, I had a meltdown and cried while putting away the groceries. Big reminders of his absence kept coming. Big emotions followed.
Anxiety coupled with grief is no joke, and I was overwhelmed.
The best thing I did for myself was to stop and pray. I dove into scripture to find something to commiserate with. Then I went looking for comfort. I found it in reading through parts of Job and visualizing Gods promises to him through his overwhelming moments. (which mine do not compare to)
This is what worked for me.
I know not everyone finds comfort in the same scripture I do. For some people being in nature or at a busy mall gives them comfort. For some, keeping busy is the way they successfully cope, after asking God to take the anxiety. Regardless of how, learning to deal with the fear of the future and the overwhelming anxiety that can follow is an important step in healing little by little.
Acknowledging and accepting the rollercoaster is just the first step. What you decide to do with it will determine the next. For me, it was rolling with it instead of fighting it, because I came to a place where I had no fight left in me.
That was the day my healing began.
XOXO,
Memorial Day 2021
Hasn’t the last 18 months or so just been weird?
Isn’t it time for something that feels normal?
This long weekend celebrating, remembering, and honoring our men and women who brought us to this place is well earned. I see pictures of families boating, cooking out and spending time together.
Isn’t that what it is all about?
Spending time together. This weekend we spent a slice of time with family cleaning up some things at my parent’s house. This was no small task. My dad collected a lot of things in his life. There were some very well intended projects in multiple buildings just waiting for someone to turn them into something amazing. Most of them turned to dust because they have been sitting since he has been gone.
It was hard at first, to sort through and throw away things. But it got easier and as we worked it became satisfying to clean things up and move forward.
Don’t get me wrong- we didn’t throw everything away. But the things which serve no purpose for my mom or our family were tossed into the dumpster. After all, they are just things. Dad couldn’t take them with him, and we won’t be taking them with us.
Then came the fire. My brother cut down the brush and growth that doesn’t belong, and burnt it in a big pile. Cleansing for him and for the property. It is therepuetic to serve someone in love.
This Memorial Day as we all spend time doing all the things let’s pause and reflect.
There are a lot things being said and done that don’t reflect honor. But without the sacrifices that brought about this day, there wouldn’t even be the opportunity to say and do anything at all.
We cannot forget where we came from, even when we are cleaning up someone elses mess.
And we cannot forget where we are going and who paid the price for us to go there, on earth or after.
XOXO,
You Can Say No
I have not watched the news in over a year.
I don’t need to. Everything that is happening now, has happened before, at some point in history.
There is no reason for me to be worried, stressed or anxious.
People are doing exactly what scripture says they are going to do.
So my choice is simple- stay the course.
Set my eyes upon Jesus, and pray for those who are making decisions that affect all of us.
Set my eyes upon God, and pray for the daily decisions I have to make, that they are a reflection of Him and a reflection of the work He has done in me.
I continue on with my life. I work. I pay my bills. I am an active member of my church. I take care of my family. I spend time with my husband. I sit on my back porch swing and drink coffee like I don’t have a care in the world. I continue to move forward with writing, projects and educating myself.
I enjoy the life I have been blessed with and the people who share it with me.
I am here to tell you- there is nothing wrong with living your life and putting your own well-being ahead of all the worldly things which are currently happening. There is no shame in shutting off the news, social media accounts which are not positive and uplifting and setting boundaries with people who insist on focusing on the world view events.
You have the ability to protect yourself internally as much as you have the right to protect yourself externally.
My personal top 5 measures include:
- Not watching the news, on any channel, website, or radio station.
- Unfollowing social media accounts which are negative or news-loaded.
- Listening to nature when I am outside.
- Listening to positive music when music is turned on.
- Sticking with personal boundaries with people and places that cause me anxiety.
If you have been anxious, worried, or made to feel like you must have an opinion, you can set boundaries to keep yourself healthy.
You can say no.
XOXO,
I Saw Jesus in the Kitchen
I saw Jesus in the church kitchen.
He appeared in the form of a newly widowed member, who was preparing food and serving those who were coming to honor her husband. She never stopped serving others, even in what I would imagine is her greatest time of needing to be served herself.
Hands and feet of Jesus on a large scale.
Sometimes I wonder if people understand the difference between worship and serving. I also wonder if they understand that sometimes they are the same thing.
When I watched the widow setting up the food, getting the plates and utensils ready, and fuss over the visitors, I was in awe of the power of living a servant’s life. This was no Mary/Martha moment- it was pure sacrificial love. Unadulterated, pure service.
I realized it’s what she knows. Its what she does. Its how she worships. It’s her prayer and her choice.
It was not a big deal, maybe not even noticeable to others. But I noticed it right away.
The normally steady hands, trembling a bit.
The usually sure, calm smile, looking a little unsteady and not so sure.
The typically serious face, checking things off in her head, now double checking her written list.
The worship was there, mixed among the grief.
The servanthood was there, mixed with sadness.
The love was there, mixed with a little loss.
It was all there, and in that moment I was struck with her ability to simply move, let alone serve.
The story of Lazarus pops into my head. (John 11:17-37) This part of the story is more about the grief, anguish, and emotional state of Lazarus’ sisters, Mary & Martha. In verse 21, Martha says “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” In verse 32 Mary also said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
Both women understood the power of Jesus. They both had seen him perform miracles and had been recipients of miracles themselves. They were both grieving the loss of their brother in a deep and personal way. They were both emotional and weary.
Then, it happens. After arriving at their home and hearing the women in anguish, verse 35 tells us everything we need to know.
“Jesus wept.”
The most impactful verse in scripture which reflects his humanity and depth of love for his friend.
No other words are needed.
Then, Jesus served them.
He went to the tomb and called out his friend. He raised him from the dead. After 4 days in the grave, Lazarus walked out.
I don’t know how people serve when in the depths of grieving. I don’t know if it is auto pilot because it’s what they know, or if there is an innate need to be doing something during this time of heartache and struggle.
What I do know is if Jesus wept for his loss then served his friend, I understand why our church widow stood on her feet and served those who came to honor her husband.
She knows Jesus.
XOXO,
