Healing

When we are faced with mortality, sometimes we don’t look at the big picture.

God has a plan, first and foremost.

Death is a part of life.

Death does not have to be eternal.

 If you are a believer and you understand this, then you have already won. But what if you are a new believer? Or not a believer at all? What if you run into or spend time with someone who doesn’t believe the same way as you?

How do we heal when other people aren’t on the same page or in the same place as us?

It is not simple, and just like everything else, its different for each of us. I went through various cycles of healing. At first, I needed to be around my family. Then I needed to be alone. Then I needed a friend who would just be quiet- not offer advice or even condolences- just sit with me while I wrestled with all my emotion and sorted out my grief.

After this I re-cycled. The next time I wanted nothing to do with family at all. I simply couldn’t support them the way I thought I should. I also wasn’t getting what I needed from being around them. It was not a healthy way to heal. I also realized people were tired of waiting for me to get back to whatever normal expectation they had of me.

Some thought that because I returned to work, my other normal things would fall into place. In reality, I was only returning to work out of obligation to my dad. There was a level of healing I found when I was there that I cannot explain.

There were a few expectations of me coming from people who had never experienced this type of loss before. I was really struggling, thinking I had to explain myself. The truth was, they would eventually find out what I was going through and I became acutely aware of how hard it was going to be on them.

I encountered many people who, though they claim to be faithful, never told me or reassured me that God has a plan.

There was not a lot of mention of his goodness, kindness and faithfulness to me in my grief.

Did you know God is good, faithful, and kind?

He is not only wrathful and just- he is loving and empathetic when we hurt. He wants us to be healed from life’s battles.

So to look at the big picture, we have to consider all the things we need, the people around us, our other life circumstances and our ability to cope. We must also consider God’s love is an infinite depth, and we can turn to him at any point and ask for help with our broken heart.

We can heal in our own time, in our own way. All we need to do is trust God has a plan for us.

XOXO,

fivemagicwords.org

Fear and Overwhelming Emotion

When my dad first found out he was sick, I didn’t have an emotional response right away. There were a lot of “wait and see” doctor appointments. There was a lot of waiting for test results and treatment plans. In hindsight, I think I knew the fear and overwhelming emotion was coming- I simply didn’t know when and I didn’t have a plan for handling it.

I remember very clearly the first time I became overwhelmed, then afraid, then almost panicked. I was thinking about all the things he would miss, depending on when he died. This was after Thanksgiving dinner 2016. I had been sitting on the couch watching something on tv and it just hit me. Dad won’t see another Thanksgiving.

It had crossed my mind sitting at the dinner table surrounded by my parents and family, but I had pushed the thought away. It was unwelcome. It came back when I was alone. It was reality and I wanted nothing to do with it. But once it entered my mind, there was nowhere for it go. It stuck and from that day on every time the phone rang I dreaded answering it.

This was the beginning of my fear, and the overwhelming emotional rollercoaster followed close behind.

Once dad had passed on and we were figuring out how to live without him, I had a rather large emotional panic attack. I had no idea who was going to cook our traditional pancakes for our family camping trip. Literally no one else had ever done this before. It was dads job, no discussion.

I went into the freak-out mode in the grocery store. I pulled myself together and bought the remainder of my list. Once I headed home, I had a meltdown and cried while putting away the groceries. Big reminders of his absence kept coming. Big emotions followed.

Anxiety coupled with grief is no joke, and I was overwhelmed.

The best thing I did for myself was to stop and pray. I dove into scripture to find something to commiserate with. Then I went looking for comfort. I found it in reading through parts of Job and visualizing Gods promises to him through his overwhelming moments. (which mine do not compare to)

This is what worked for me.

I know not everyone finds comfort in the same scripture I do. For some people being in nature or at a busy mall gives them comfort. For some, keeping busy is the way they successfully cope, after asking God to take the anxiety. Regardless of how, learning to deal with the fear of the future and the overwhelming anxiety that can follow is an important step in healing little by little.

Acknowledging and accepting the rollercoaster is just the first step. What you decide to do with it will determine the next. For me, it was rolling with it instead of fighting it, because I came to a place where I had no fight left in me.

That was the day my healing began.

XOXO,

Memorial Day 2021

Hasn’t the last 18 months or so just been weird?

Isn’t it time for something that feels normal?

This long weekend celebrating, remembering, and honoring our men and women who brought us to this place is well earned. I see pictures of families boating, cooking out and spending time together.

Isn’t that what it is all about?

Spending time together. This weekend we spent a slice of time with family cleaning up some things at my parent’s house. This was no small task. My dad collected a lot of things in his life. There were some very well intended projects in multiple buildings just waiting for someone to turn them into something amazing. Most of them turned to dust because they have been sitting since he has been gone.

It was hard at first, to sort through and throw away things. But it got easier and as we worked it became satisfying to clean things up and move forward.

Don’t get me wrong- we didn’t throw everything away. But the things which serve no purpose for my mom or our family were tossed into the dumpster. After all, they are just things. Dad couldn’t take them with him, and we won’t be taking them with us.

Then came the fire. My brother cut down the brush and growth that doesn’t belong, and burnt it in a big pile. Cleansing for him and for the property. It is therepuetic to serve someone in love.

This Memorial Day as we all spend time doing all the things let’s pause and reflect.

There are a lot things being said and done that don’t reflect honor. But without the sacrifices that brought about this day, there wouldn’t even be the opportunity to say and do anything at all.

We cannot forget where we came from, even when we are cleaning up someone elses mess.

And we cannot forget where we are going and who paid the price for us to go there, on earth or after.

XOXO,

You Can Say No

I have not watched the news in over a year.

I don’t need to. Everything that is happening now, has happened before, at some point in history.

There is no reason for me to be worried, stressed or anxious.

People are doing exactly what scripture says they are going to do.

So my choice is simple- stay the course.

Set my eyes upon Jesus, and pray for those who are making decisions that affect all of us.

Set my eyes upon God, and pray for the daily decisions I have to make, that they are a reflection of Him and a reflection of the work He has done in me.

I continue on with my life. I work. I pay my bills. I am an active member of my church. I take care of my family. I spend time with my husband. I sit on my back porch swing and drink coffee like I don’t have a care in the world. I continue to move forward with writing, projects and educating myself.

I enjoy the life I have been blessed with and the people who share it with me.

I am here to tell you- there is nothing wrong with living your life and putting your own well-being ahead of all the worldly things which are currently happening. There is no shame in shutting off the news, social media accounts which are not positive and uplifting and setting boundaries with people who insist on focusing on the world view events.

You have the ability to protect yourself internally as much as you have the right to protect yourself externally.

My personal top 5 measures include:

  • Not watching the news, on any channel, website, or radio station.
  • Unfollowing social media accounts which are negative or news-loaded.
  • Listening to nature when I am outside.
  • Listening to positive music when music is turned on.
  • Sticking with personal boundaries with people and places that cause me anxiety.

If you have been anxious, worried, or made to feel like you must have an opinion, you can set boundaries to keep yourself healthy.

You can say no.

XOXO,

1 CORINTHIANS 16:14

I Saw Jesus in the Kitchen

I saw Jesus in the church kitchen.

He appeared in the form of a newly widowed member, who was preparing food and serving those who were coming to honor her husband. She never stopped serving others, even in what I would imagine is her greatest time of needing to be served herself.

Hands and feet of Jesus on a large scale.

Sometimes I wonder if people understand the difference between worship and serving. I also wonder if they understand that sometimes they are the same thing.

When I watched the widow setting up the food, getting the plates and utensils ready, and fuss over the visitors, I was in awe of the power of living a servant’s life. This was no Mary/Martha moment- it was pure sacrificial love. Unadulterated, pure service.

I realized it’s what she knows. Its what she does. Its how she worships. It’s her prayer and her choice.

It was not a big deal, maybe not even noticeable to others. But I noticed it right away.

The normally steady hands, trembling a bit.

The usually sure, calm smile, looking a little unsteady and not so sure.

The typically serious face, checking things off in her head, now double checking her written list.

The worship was there, mixed among the grief.

The servanthood was there, mixed with sadness.

The love was there, mixed with a little loss.

It was all there, and in that moment I was struck with her ability to simply move, let alone serve.

The story of Lazarus pops into my head. (John 11:17-37) This part of the story is more about the grief, anguish, and emotional state of Lazarus’ sisters, Mary & Martha. In verse 21, Martha says “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” In verse 32 Mary also said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Both women understood the power of Jesus. They both had seen him perform miracles and had been recipients of miracles themselves. They were both grieving the loss of their brother in a deep and personal way. They were both emotional and weary.

Then, it happens. After arriving at their home and hearing the women in anguish, verse 35 tells us everything we need to know.

“Jesus wept.”

The most impactful verse in scripture which reflects his humanity and depth of love for his friend.

 No other words are needed.

Then, Jesus served them.

He went to the tomb and called out his friend. He raised him from the dead. After 4 days in the grave, Lazarus walked out.

I don’t know how people serve when in the depths of grieving. I don’t know if it is auto pilot because it’s what they know, or if there is an innate need to be doing something during this time of heartache and struggle.

What I do know is if Jesus wept for his loss then served his friend, I understand why our church widow stood on her feet and served those who came to honor her husband.

She knows Jesus.

XOXO,

JUDE 1:2

Soothe My Soul, Lord

The transition from night to morning makes me twitch with anticipation. Now the days get longer- the nights shorter by a few minutes at a time. I will grab my re-filled Pray Big mug and my blanket hoodie and head outside to watch the morning arrive- the sun will rise and even from this farmhouse I will rest in awe for just a moment. During that moment there is a peace and security I long for-knowing. The knowing comes when I remember to my core that God is in total control. Nothing else matters. I sit and wait for my time to step outside and reflect on my devotion this morning from 1000 Gifts by Ann Vos Kamp. The verses rolls around inside my head as if they were written specifically for me ,today, “Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation , by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God .” Phil 4:6

The verse- the life mantra for myself. Choosing not to be anxious about things sounds simple. Its not. Trusting grace means trusting God’s plan in all things and I don’ t do that easily, sometimes not at all. But the next verse- this one calms me even more. “May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow.” Romans 15:13

This verse is a promise to me. The promise that he alone will soothe my soul after I cry out to him. I’ve heard people ask “What’s next?” After I pray, what do I do next? Is there a sign it worked? Do I continue on and forget about it? What happens now?

I wonder about all these and more. How do I know this prayer works? I sit still and I listen to the night prepare to change to morning. Even the breeze sounds different and the birds anticipate the rise of the morning sun. They trust it will show up and light the way, calming their fears and showing their path for flight.

This is the same with me I’m sitting, standing, pacing. I’m sipping and waiting all the while slipping into the knowing. I’m knowing it will come. I believe it, though I can’t see it just yet. I pray for God to soothe my anxious soul. I wait for sunrise. I pray for my children to draw close to him. The earth is still, quiet, dark, and peaceful as I pray, sip, wait. The horizon shows a glimpse of light. Enough for the birds to chatter and take l fight. He takes care of them- he takes care of me. For a moment the peace of this early morning is everything I need to move forward. No matter the issue or situation I can hang onto this moment. My morning prayer has been heard and I am rewarded inside with an understanding the universe is very large but God’s control brings it to me in a very small, distinct way and I am grateful.

XOXO,

Five Magic Words: A Personal Grief Journey

I have been a silent blogger for weeks.

Because I have been praying over this little project of mine which is finally ready to meet the world.

This journey is never ending and I know this book is the tip of the iceberg for most of us.

As we settle into our own grief journey we need to remember our grief does not define us- it simply becomes another part of us.

I hope if you read this book it will help soothe you.

I hope you realize you are not alone.

Thank you for taking a peek inside my process.

XOXO

You can order at the following links :

WESTBOW PRESS

AMAZON

Romans 4:20-21